Having spoken about the importance of being in good terms with ourselves last time, I now would like to speak about our ability in being tolerant in relationships. Why is being tolerant and conquering tolerance important?
It is the quality of allowing the other person to have their own attitudes or beliefs or to behave in a particular way even if you do not agree or approve. It is mastering the art of being able and ready to bear or endure something unpleasant or painful. I strongly believe that nothing is beyond tolerance once you find the strategy in order to face the unbearable and painful situation.
This is one of the many topics I often discuss with my students. I talk about why couples, more and more every day, find it very difficult to keep a relationship going,maintaining the right enthusiasm and energy, which then has the consequence of causing distance between them. The beginning of a relationship is always more beautiful. We are in love and we are usually not bothered by anything or mind anything our partner does or how they do it. We either allow ourselves to be guided or we act as leaders.
When we first start a relationship with someone,we do things naturally, without hesitation or consideration. We either do them wishing to impress and please our partner or simply because we are not experienced enough as to understand why we are doing them. Whatever the reason, we are involved emotionally. Then comes the day when things do not go the way we want them to go, when we get carried away by irritation, stress, tension and nervousness and then we end up saying something wrong and painful, words which we should not have said to the other person or things which we should not have done.
Yes, in a moment of despair we do react impulsively at times and yes, we occasionally do say things to hurt the other person just to get at them, offending them without considering the consequences. Anger, disappointment and misunderstanding play a great role in how we end up reacting. Clearly this is done both by men and women, losing toleration. I think before getting to the state of humiliating each other, which is not helpful anyway, it would be wise to just let go.
Why would anyone relish the prospects of wanting to insist on something when the other person is not willing to listen to? Why putting pressure and force on the other person just because they see the matter totally different to the way you do? At what point do we stop ourselves from being stubborn, repetitive and demanding?
Every day our level of patience and capacity for tolerance is put at risk due to the difficulties we face, which we also have to overcome, sometimes even alone. Strangely enough we go through life without realizing that most of our insufficiency in obtaining positive results and being constructive is because we do not know how to use tolerance. The other factor which we should not under estimate is that we also evolve day by day,growing up and aging.
Do not despair, by aging I do not mean getting white hair, toothless and absent minded. Actually by aging I mean gaining more knowledge and wisdom. Some would define it as changing, however changing does not mean we don’t love our partner any more nor does it mean we want to end the relationship. We are purely becoming more alert to what goes on around us. Some people are afraid when they see changes in the other person. They feel threatened by their changes. It is something they have no control of, as the result they become nervous, uptight and insecure.
They start having doubts about their partner and end up creating tension, hostility and distance. At this point being intolerable and not allowing our partner the freedom to evolve, limiting them and their need to grow, we automatically execute progress. Two people in a relationship are not supposed to be as one person, for this would mean suffocating the other one’s character. Yet, it would help if they are not totally the same in character but had things in common. Each one has to be entitled to be their normal selves and to emerge as an individual.They should allow each other interaction, exchange of ideas and most of all listening to each other’s reasons. Not trying to change anything about one another.
It would be like looking at a famous painting by let’s say Caravaggio and wanting it to be different. Criticizing how it was painted, when it would be simpler to admire the beauty of it for what it represents. Well, it would also be an impossible job wanting to change anything or anyone for that matter, since we have not got the ultimate power. People change only when they decide to change for their own personal needs.
How willing are we to be critical about ourselves? What do we mean by being open minded? Who establishes what is to be learnt and at what age? By becoming the other person’s psychologist in the relationship, we weaken each other. We take away the colours and energy by being only critical about the other wanting to advise them on their behavior. In case try and wait in order to be asked “what do you think?” and then give your opinion about the matter.
When we need a doctor we make an appointment and we go to see one. When we want to learn a new language or a musical instrument we look up a professional teacher or institution and we refer to them for lessons. It is like this with everything. We are not to become our partner’s consultant or therapist. For any of that we can and should refer to a professional person in whichever specific field we need consultation about. As human beings we are all about what I want, how I want it, why I want it and how I must have everything soon.
A THOUGHT
Taking the presence of our loved ones for granted can lead us to losing them.
My name is SUSSAN and I am a Professor and Translator in English and Farsi (Iranian). I grew up and completed my studies in Cambridge, England. I have been teaching English since 1983. During all these years I have come across so many different people of all ages, wanting or needing to study English for various reasons. Either to pass an examination in IELTS, Proficiency, Toefl, First Certificate, Trinity, Ket, Pet or planning to go on a trip abroad or simply wanting to get a good result at school or university. Per saperne di più (clicca qui)
