If we were to go back in time, we would realize that the method of teaching and the system of educating students have changed since 40 years ago.
Today teachers have so many problems educating students and students are facing many different needs compared to years ago. The ideal solution would be not to change the problems but to see them as needs and in that case parents are the best therapists when a child has a problem or a need.
Often kids are sent to different types of specialists for different kinds of reasons such as a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, psychotherapist, speech therapist, dietitian, doctor and many more, which are all without a doubt good solutions and helpful to us parents and adults. However we parents for first should change and understand all these needs and problems, since we have a direct contact with our kids. We all have so many tools just like specialists and professional people, but as parents we have even more special tools which we can without simply use to improve our children’s education.
I know at times we feel losers and our children don’t feel understood, those parents who feel failures, who are sad because they can see no results or simply are tired for having tried everything but have not come up with a solution. We try over and over again and never give up. We are the captain of the ship; we may be tired, restless, disappointed and defeated at times, whatever the situation we must not give up. Children should not see us inadequate and lost, they need to know you are there on your feet winning the battle and making it work. If there is a problem there is always a solution.
You may have tried everything and still you don’t seem to find the answer. May be if you tried a bit harder the solution would be right there in front of you. Nothing seems to go right, there you are trying as hard as you can but still nothing, there is no light or sign of hope, still you should not give up. So let’s insist until we can because there is always an answer and if you are about to give up then eventually ask for a professional help.
Perhaps now you need to refer to a specialist after all most of the times a specialist is more helpful to parents than to their child.
Parents are the first ones who must get their energies back specially in critical situations. How else can parents think right, do well and have positive results if they don’t ask help in advance. How else can they be motivated and want to continue making it function. Every family during the process of educating their children may face problems and difficulties. Sometimes we keep everything to ourselves because we think we are the only ones with such problems without realizing that there are so many other people, families in the same situation.
We make such a deal about our problems making them seem bigger and more critical than what they really are, which stops us from being objective and hopeful. Sometimes schools, our community church, the city hall and many other organizations offer meetings for parents covering social and family topics, which we could go to and find many answers to our doubts and questions.
We could participate and realize that there are so many other parents just like us who go to these meeting to confront themselves, to meet new people and to not feel that they are the only people with problems. I know sometimes we are too tired, perhaps we had a bad day at the office, it is raining, it is cold, it is dark and you may not be up to meeting new people but all these factors should not stop you from going and finding a solution to something that seems unresolvable and huge to you.
It is the positive energy and solitary atmosphere that definitely helps you to become operative again. Belonging to a community, in a community and for a community means working together for the same reasons and knowing you can count on each other. The results are always challenging and overwhelming because you all have an interest in common, looking for answers. Nevertheless I have selected four very important tools which are, in my opinion, very efficient and essential in becoming therapeutic parents.
FIRST TOOL EYE EXPRESSION
Our eyes and the messages they can give are beyond us. They are incredibly therapeutic, powerful, vulnerable, direct and personal. We should of course use them in the right way when we look at people. When our eye contact is correct we are believable and trustable. For example, when our child least expects it, we could go towards him, hold him in our arms, look directly into his, making sure his eyes are looking at ours too and right in the moment perhaps telling him how much you love him and how important he is for you.
It may not be the answer all the time but it definitely warms his heart and it heals anything that is worrying him and he perceives you being there for him. We must always be interested, amazedand happy when we look at our children. Children who are ours but at the same time they are not.
They are different to us. We are too used to looking at them searching for similarities, look with their father, mother, grandparents, uncle or auntie.
Instead let’s look at them with amazement and curiosity, interested in identifying their uniqueness and specificity. They will notice our strong curious eye expression. We should try to understand who they really aremaking them feel special and wanted. If only from time to time we could stop, for a second, what we are doing to dedicate a moment to look at our children communicating our absolute love for them, it would mean a lot to them.
SECOND TOOL TIME
The amount of time we dedicate to our children is of great importance. In fact even five minutes of our daily time would be enough to spend with a precious person you may have in front of you, whom could be your son or your daughter.
We might be tired or exhausted after a hard day at work, but we must find five minutes of our time to dedicate to our child. This does not mean while we are cooking or having a shower or on an important phone call. It can be when we want it to be but as long as we spend five minutes a day with them making them understand that they are important and that you are curious about their activities and individuality of course without interfering. Perhaps asking them what they are doing or if you can be part of their activity for five minutes.
THIRD TOOL LISTENING
I would say the type of listening we generally do while we cook, wash dishes, vacuum the floor etc. and listen to our children telling us something about their day is good but the type of listening I am referring to is the one that is therapeutic. The type of listening when our child is talking to us and when we don’t judge, we don’t criticize and we don’t compare. The type whenwe actually empty a space in ourselves allowing everything he is saying to enter in that space, making sure we are concentrated on listening.
It would not be a help to you if while you are listening you were to ask yourself “what am I going to tell him” ,“ how am I goingto tell him”, practically becoming worried for the aspect that concerns you and not concentrating on what he is trying to inform you. In case you really think you must say something perhaps you can say “ok did I understand well, you said that …. In this way you show interest and allow explanation and it automatically becomes another type of listening. Listening that becomes constructive.
I am also aware that this type of listening is not easy and not often practiced but you can reach a high quality of listening by practicing doing it.
When we listen in this way we may have to give our opinion once we are asked to give one but most importantly we are showing our hospitality to what he is informing us and we are allowing all that to become part of us. All the tools I have mentioned are important but listening by all means is one of the tools most efficient and essential for a healthy education.
FOURTH TOOL HUGGING AND CARESSINGS
When it comes to how much we should hug our children there have been many debates. Some say we spoil our kids if we hugged them too many times, some say it is never enough hugging them and of course it is also important how much you want to hug your child knowing that hugging is never too much. It can only be beneficial to them. They feel reassured, loved, comforted, protected and touched. I do not mean only waiting to be hugged but learning to ask for it too.
It is all about learning and knowing that you can ask for kisses hugs and caresses. There is no harm in asking. Some people know the art of being affectionate and some don’t, but we can learn to look at people when we talk to them, listen and have to show physical contact. It does not mean we are weak or less of a man if we did ask for warmth and a human contact.
We parents can never stop learning. There are tools that we discover while educating our children, tools which we avoid because they are not adequate for our child and tools which we are fond of due to their practicality and being easy to use. Whichever your environment, habitat and technique it is all about a new discovery which you do together with your child.
As a conclusion, we said that learning about the importance of the four tools can be of great help to our children. Obviously not allowing our children to take for granted all we were to give them, the eye contact, time, listening, the hugging and the nurturing. It is true, loving another person is normal and unconditional instead having a relationship means both parts have to offer and give each other equally.
Nonetheless being so comforting, lovable, understanding, observant and good listeners does not mean that our children are allowed to think that it is only us parents who have to make the effort of changing things for better. Our children must be told that we are all in, for making things to happen. They must be conducted and guided into operating and working on what is expected of them and not behave as arrogant, proud, presumptuous and demanding kids just because they are provided with so much attention.
A THOUGHT
A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS ALWAYS ABOUT GIVING AND TAKING
